Aaaand here we go again. The explainatory but hopefully a bit more positive this time as I've managed to bring some things together.
Work
I've taken up too much extra work for this Semester due to a defect in brain a misjudgement. I really thought I've got enough time to get more into my studies and ended up scribling 5 pieces none-the-less of optional courses into my calendar. On top of this I took up a job at the University by becoming a Tutor, a kind of personal assistant, for one of my professors. As if this hadn't been the wake-up call I signed up for becoming an active member of the student council. HA! Allow me to be amused of this overly exaggerated overestimation of my own nerves and talents. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! I probably just forgot that I've also got my old job at the handicrafts store. Of course I would've managed everything if it wasn't for that (Notice the heavy irony here.)
Money
Oh yes, the Undying Monster tormenting students around the world. I'm basically financing my life here entirely with the monthly 500 euro student loan, I'm receiving from the Finnish Government since the beginning of my studies. I don't ever have to pay it back, however the downside is that I don't get any support during the holidays, which in the summer lasted about 3-4 months. At the beginning of this Semester I was pretty weak on my bank account, you can imagine. I basically have to save all year to get through those summer months.
Problem this time? Well there's this itchy bitchy condition to the loan: I have to get enough Credit points and show progress in my studies. They want their money's worth ey? Since my faculty is a bunch of artists, we had most of our Spring/Summer Semester's exams after the holidays, in the beginning of OCTOBER. This means that I received my results and grades for the courses half a year later than expected and the Finnish Studentloan Center interpreted that I'd been slacking off the whole Semester and thus CUT DOWN MY ENTIRE STUDENT LOAN. On top of other Stress, I now had to roam around after my grades, write an explainatory letter to Finland, pray for their mercy and dine porridge and rice for a few weeks before things got settled.
Luckily it was all worth the gray hairs and wrinckles it and I managed to clean my reputation and proof the improvement and hard work I've done in here. I'm now getting paid normally again. Such sudden developments just take a lot of energy, scare the shit out of me and made me realise that my future of studying and living in Germany is entirely in the hands of someone else. I can't afford to go on this current life, no matter how unglamorous, without the Government support. My wages couldn't cover more than my rent.
I feel semishitty for complaining about money when I'm living a dream of so many kids battling with REAL poverty.
How'd you like my selfmade pictures this time?I feel good by just holding my camera for a change.
It seems that my last post troubled some of you readerdearies (thank you for your concern ♥) and I'm sorry for that. I really didn't mean to sound so dramatic but wanted to quickly convey why I'm not blogging normally and that there's a bunch of stuff going on at the moment.
As I've gotten a few of private inquiries about what's up I thought about blogging about it in public to make matters clearer. Who knows, maybe writing it all down also makes me feel a bit better :)
Studies
University has turned serious on my 3rd Semester and every single week is a Battle of Survival for me. We basically have to turn in a Presentation or somekind of Proof of Progress, in multiple subjects weekly. I'm suffering of lack of motivation, inspiration and selfdiscipline. It feels like I'm drowning as I try to keep up and work hard but the amount of projects never gets less or any easier. On the Contrary!
It get's me down that I cannot fully give my 100% for any subject or interest as I then would fall behind somewhere else. Therefore I'm scrambling around in a daze & panic, handing in mediocre results which lead to unsatisfaction on both sides and since the next weeks chore is based on the post labour, I'm fucking up the foundations of the final outcome here!
This continuous maschine fire of slavery and studying is finally taking the hold of me and I cannot keep myself focused any longer. I've slipped out of the rhytmn and now I'm forced to do it the hard way. I'm battling for the last place in the Rat Race it seems.
Principles Why am I doing this? Why am I studying this? Is this really what I always wanted? Am I happy with my work, do I want to do it in the future? What have I learned? Is there something better out there?
I don't have the time to question my current life, yet I notice myself doing so almost daily nowadays. It is hard to see the big picture while whiping your nose with the map and concentrating on particulars. Come on!
Now say you did want to study and are basically finally able to choose your interests yourself, starting from the place to live. Think again silly! It's a war out there. You have to fight to get into THE BEST UNIVERSITIES, to choose SUBJECTS WITH HIGH EMPLOYMENT RATE and QUICK GRADUATION SCHEDULE. Forget about arts and hobbies and laid-back student life. Actually you're expected to show results, graduate fast and get that well-paid job to be truely happy.
The punch line of the Joke: no-matter what you study, no-matter how successful you feel, there is no guarantee you won't end up as a taxi driver.
Personal Problem with the Above
Wait a second! I'm a grown-up now, it's my decition to study at all and I'm paying for the fun anyway, so basically I'm supposed to be the one to decide what to do with it all. It's my life! I can study all my life if I like to, take as many semesters as I need, change faculty, take the courses that interest me and think that would benefit me personally!
When did it get to this blind desperate hunt of Credit Points and executing only the compulsory courses to get my Bachelor as soon as possible???
I'm supposed to enjoy this part of life too! Especially as a student in my early twenties!! I don't want to wake up one day from my books and realise that I've missed my life, using it to get behind an office desk! Why do I want to work hard to work hard!? Where are we heading to with such haste!?!!? Okay I'm trying to calm down with the exclamation marks. Seriously: the road is the goal.
Oh whoops, I've written a book here. Let's continue some time in the future with the List of Shit okay? Roadtrip pics viaX
Holy shit!
Last weekend was spent happily in my German hometown, Hamburg, visiting my darling's family and Lasse. On Saturday I was shopping at the fleamarket and later in city centre with my boyfriend. GUESS WHAT!?? At Monki, both me and my handsome love were picked up by a model scout and given a business card from -and here comes-MEGA MODEL AGENCY! Ohmygoooooooooosh! Do you have any idea what a huge agency that is?!?!
Andrej Pejic, the amazing androgyne model diva
Ok, I admit it, me neither before Mattis (a friend) googled the shop and guess what we found? Super super models like Anja Selezneva, Carmen Kass, Daisy Lowe and a huuuuge amount of other insanely beautiful women and men. Shit they even have Jerry Hall!
Suvi Koponen, Finland's Next Top Model 2005
Now getting an invitation card like that doesn't mean I've just been picked up for the next Victoria's Secret Show. No no no.. they just MIGHT be interested. Now it's clear as a day that I don't stand a chance with my 169 cm and 54 kilos but being even asked by a professional from the Mega Models in a crowd of hip young people of Monki, I'm truely superficially excited and flattered. I've gotten those kinds of cards twice before in Hamburg and Frankfurt but NEVER from such a BIG BIG modelling agency as this!
Natasha Poly, I bet you've seen her somewhere too!
I hope I can persuade my beautiful boyfriend to do it as he FOR SURE has the face, hight and body to pull it off in both runway and photoshoots!
All the pictures on this post are from the website and portfolios of the models in Mega Model Agency. Check their site out for more beauty!
Whoah I'm such a bad blogger! I'm just going through some stuff at the moment and my University stuff has turned serious this year. For the past 2 semesters it's always been quiet and chilled in the beginning of the year leading to a panic and tears in the end of course but this time it's different. I've been working my ass off every week pretty much and it seems like there's no evening free from work. I feel quilty this very moment for taking time away from duties altho I just came from work an hour ago!
To make u a bit happy because pictures of me makes everybody happy??? I'll show you the result of a freezing afternoon with Liz and Roscoe in a park. Amazing how warm it all looks like right?! In reality it was cold, windy, gray and dark that day and I couldn't really feel my toes or my fingers anymore during these shots.
Since I didn't make any Halloween special update I'm sharing some "old" modelling material from Roscoe again. I think it quite suits the theme as I was covered in make-up and had those heavy eyelashes glued on my lids. I'm quite happy with the result as I was scared of ending up looking like a drag queen haha!
The photos this time are are self-edited (the ones above are just some random deleted shots) and I noticed I still have a load to learn. The photographer himself picked 2 photos, which I wouldn't have chosen myself, but it is really interesting to see how our tastes differ in photography and how he interpreted the outcome. CHECK IT OUT ON HIS SITE. I chose these two pics below as my favourite and they also made it to my hobby modelling portfolio on Facebook.
As much as I dislike being a cake-face, this photoshoot was hilarious I have to admit!
I've been working this week for one University projekt and am supposed to present my progress tomorrow to the Professor. It would take all night to be able to bring forth something worth showing. Just as I was cursing this desperate attempt.. destiny stepped in. Anna Lena texted me asked me to come to a party with her and her friends.
Ladies and gents of the jury, I am forced to take action as active self-defence against the darkness and the clinging winter depression that has been trying to strangle me to bed! I have decided to not give a shit, party hard tonight and play hookie tomorrow!
It snowed yesterday -all day- in Darmstadt and in Frankfurt! It didn't stay on the ground of course but surely blew down the most of those beautiful colours from the trees. That's why I'm happy to present to you my last weekend's documentation of the autumn in it's best. On this warm clear Sunday, I went on a picnic with my roomie Jan in the apple gardens of Rosenhöhe. My freckled nose is still captured in his camera's memorycard so you'll have to settle for the leaves this time.
Yup, I was monkeying up the tree to have a better view! You should've seen my fluent ninja skills haha.
Last weekend while doing my grocery shopping at the local organic supermarket Alnatura, I also popped into this New Age -shop around the corner, called Mineral Paradis(or something the sort).I think I was drawn in cos of these pretty clay fairies and crystals in the window. The shop is filled with all kinds of stones from jade to turqoise, fantasy books, healing herbs, magical items, incense, teas and yoga matts! Such a great place to waste some of your Saturday afternoon, don't you think?
I'll blame the aproaching Halloween for inspiring my inner childwitch to spend some coins on these pretty pretty shiny mountain crystals! I still have a lot of thin nylon cord from tinkering jewelry so I tied it around the stones and hang them in my window. Silly to say, but I admit smiling at them everytime I come back from Uni and see them sparkling in the afternoon sun!
I had this sudden attack of homesickness yesterday. I can't explain it but out of the blue I felt desperately lonely and pointless altho my whole day was filled with people and various activities. I don't know if I felt like talking or rather just having somebody else in the room with me. My choice of music brought me to tears and I craved to be home in Finland.
I've just discovered the Spring/Summer Collection of Spell for 2013 and it kinda make me go like "wait a second, why didn't I wear that at the beach..??"Lucky for my fellow sunbathers I suppose but dang it! Now my classmates will know where it came from when I start hanging around in my morning jacket at the Uni.
Do you remember the Ringlight pictures from before? I met the photographer in question last week for Dinner and he kindly gave me all of those photos on DVD. I've been practicing minor photoshopping a few evenings now, but still cannot use any cool special effects. Here you have some non-official non-edited pics from that batch. I added only a bit Vignette but the insanely bright spotlight kinda did all the skin editing for me haha.
My boyfriend visited me shortly yesterday till today morning. He's at a debating tournament in Mainz this weekend so I kinda have to figure out something fun to do for myself. I think I might head out soon to shoot this amazing autumn scenery as the sun has finally popped out again.
