Aaaand here we go again. The explainatory but hopefully a bit more positive this time as I've managed to bring some things together.
Work
I've taken up too much extra work for this Semester due to a defect in brain a misjudgement. I really thought I've got enough time to get more into my studies and ended up scribling 5 pieces none-the-less of optional courses into my calendar. On top of this I took up a job at the University by becoming a Tutor, a kind of personal assistant, for one of my professors. As if this hadn't been the wake-up call I signed up for becoming an active member of the student council. HA! Allow me to be amused of this overly exaggerated overestimation of my own nerves and talents. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! I probably just forgot that I've also got my old job at the handicrafts store. Of course I would've managed everything if it wasn't for that (Notice the heavy irony here.)
Money
Oh yes, the Undying Monster tormenting students around the world. I'm basically financing my life here entirely with the monthly 500 euro student loan, I'm receiving from the Finnish Government since the beginning of my studies. I don't ever have to pay it back, however the downside is that I don't get any support during the holidays, which in the summer lasted about 3-4 months. At the beginning of this Semester I was pretty weak on my bank account, you can imagine. I basically have to save all year to get through those summer months.
Problem this time? Well there's this itchy bitchy condition to the loan: I have to get enough Credit points and show progress in my studies. They want their money's worth ey? Since my faculty is a bunch of artists, we had most of our Spring/Summer Semester's exams after the holidays, in the beginning of OCTOBER. This means that I received my results and grades for the courses half a year later than expected and the Finnish Studentloan Center interpreted that I'd been slacking off the whole Semester and thus CUT DOWN MY ENTIRE STUDENT LOAN. On top of other Stress, I now had to roam around after my grades, write an explainatory letter to Finland, pray for their mercy and dine porridge and rice for a few weeks before things got settled.
Luckily it was all worth the gray hairs and wrinckles it and I managed to clean my reputation and proof the improvement and hard work I've done in here. I'm now getting paid normally again. Such sudden developments just take a lot of energy, scare the shit out of me and made me realise that my future of studying and living in Germany is entirely in the hands of someone else. I can't afford to go on this current life, no matter how unglamorous, without the Government support. My wages couldn't cover more than my rent.
I feel semishitty for complaining about money when I'm living a dream of so many kids battling with REAL poverty.
How'd you like my selfmade pictures this time?I feel good by just holding my camera for a change.
It seems that my last post troubled some of you readerdearies (thank you for your concern ♥) and I'm sorry for that. I really didn't mean to sound so dramatic but wanted to quickly convey why I'm not blogging normally and that there's a bunch of stuff going on at the moment.
As I've gotten a few of private inquiries about what's up I thought about blogging about it in public to make matters clearer. Who knows, maybe writing it all down also makes me feel a bit better :)
Studies
University has turned serious on my 3rd Semester and every single week is a Battle of Survival for me. We basically have to turn in a Presentation or somekind of Proof of Progress, in multiple subjects weekly. I'm suffering of lack of motivation, inspiration and selfdiscipline. It feels like I'm drowning as I try to keep up and work hard but the amount of projects never gets less or any easier. On the Contrary!
It get's me down that I cannot fully give my 100% for any subject or interest as I then would fall behind somewhere else. Therefore I'm scrambling around in a daze & panic, handing in mediocre results which lead to unsatisfaction on both sides and since the next weeks chore is based on the post labour, I'm fucking up the foundations of the final outcome here!
This continuous maschine fire of slavery and studying is finally taking the hold of me and I cannot keep myself focused any longer. I've slipped out of the rhytmn and now I'm forced to do it the hard way. I'm battling for the last place in the Rat Race it seems.
Principles Why am I doing this? Why am I studying this? Is this really what I always wanted? Am I happy with my work, do I want to do it in the future? What have I learned? Is there something better out there?
I don't have the time to question my current life, yet I notice myself doing so almost daily nowadays. It is hard to see the big picture while whiping your nose with the map and concentrating on particulars. Come on!
Now say you did want to study and are basically finally able to choose your interests yourself, starting from the place to live. Think again silly! It's a war out there. You have to fight to get into THE BEST UNIVERSITIES, to choose SUBJECTS WITH HIGH EMPLOYMENT RATE and QUICK GRADUATION SCHEDULE. Forget about arts and hobbies and laid-back student life. Actually you're expected to show results, graduate fast and get that well-paid job to be truely happy.
The punch line of the Joke: no-matter what you study, no-matter how successful you feel, there is no guarantee you won't end up as a taxi driver.
Personal Problem with the Above
Wait a second! I'm a grown-up now, it's my decition to study at all and I'm paying for the fun anyway, so basically I'm supposed to be the one to decide what to do with it all. It's my life! I can study all my life if I like to, take as many semesters as I need, change faculty, take the courses that interest me and think that would benefit me personally!
When did it get to this blind desperate hunt of Credit Points and executing only the compulsory courses to get my Bachelor as soon as possible???
I'm supposed to enjoy this part of life too! Especially as a student in my early twenties!! I don't want to wake up one day from my books and realise that I've missed my life, using it to get behind an office desk! Why do I want to work hard to work hard!? Where are we heading to with such haste!?!!? Okay I'm trying to calm down with the exclamation marks. Seriously: the road is the goal.
Oh whoops, I've written a book here. Let's continue some time in the future with the List of Shit okay? Roadtrip pics viaX
