Playing Hooky

You know the feeling when you wake up and the day is all wrong already? That's why I still didn't get up today although I've woken up first at 6:45 then 8:50, 8:14 and lastly 10:08. Still in bed, still in pyjamas. It's stormy, gray and cold outside and I just couldn't get up. My body and mind decided not to have this day at all. I was hungry some hours ago but not anymore, not enough to move at least. I've been lying and thinking about things while watching the trees bend in the wind outside my window. Cried a bit.

I'm homesick as hell. I miss my mom very much, maybe the most. Or maybe it's too painful to even think about my siblings. I miss all of it. To be me again, to feel home again.

You see, there is a difference in what I am here and what I am at home. It might not be visible to other people but to me those are two different people. I sound different and am different depending on the surroundings and especially the language. The Elli speaking English is braver, funnier and way more relaxed than the German Eli, forced to keep up the positive & social image, limited with words and means to express herself. But whom I miss the most is the real me, the Finnish Elina, the one I always was but am no more. Now I'm some chameleon hybrid of all those three. Someone I don't like, someone feeling lost.

I miss home but am also troubled with it. I was away so long that some things have inevitably changed. I am no longer an active part of the lifes of my friends, and it never caught me before. I thought I'd come back and everyone'd be waiting for me but instead they have moved on, one way or another. And it's good and it's great but I feel more alone than ever. I've landed in some strange middle space, not being home here or there. The friends I still meet when at home are decreasing by numbers and we no longer send emails regularly to know what's going on. When in Finland, I cannot follow the recent events in politics, TV, music or in my (old) social circle. I cannot follow gossip as I don't know the people we are talking about. I've missed out on parties, sleep-overs, birthdays, hardships, break-ups, engagements and funeral. I haven't been there for the good nor the bad. I haven't been able to be the friend to give support at hard times nor to celebrate the achievements or happy moments of my loved ones. And it hurts for I have missed out on the life that I should have been a part of. That I wanted to be a part of.

photos from the movie The Terminal

Now I'm hanging loose being a stranger in Finland and in Germany. The odd one out where ever I go. Like Peter Pan flying off to Neverland, having his adventures for years, thinking his parents would always be waiting with the window open for him to fly in..