Burning Out

Hardship number 3.

"I can't keep up with my health"

I suppose that was the thrid obstacle on my list of troubles a month ago. Things have gotten somewhat better in between but let me clear you that.

I've been a bit worried about my personal health this autumn due to the fact that I often feel dizzy, sick, have headaches and at times pass out. It has followed me since I was 15-or-so and sometimes it just all darkens in my eyes while standing up or during a workout. I was told by my school nurse then that it's all normal to young women and that it'll go away with time.

 I wouldn't have concidered it dangerous, yet I also have some kind of light "epileptic" shaking during those intervals. Just some uncontrolled movements nothing too bad really. It wasn't until lately that I've had more of those stronger "attacks". On one of these cases I passed out at a house party, cracked my head apparently onto the sink while falling and the drunken strangers had to call me an ambulance since I kept losing conciousness when they tried to wake me up.

It scared me I admit. Enough to get appointment to a doctor and finally get my skull searched. I've had the last meeting of three yesterday and the EEG and MRI pictures didn't show anything abnormal. According to the 2nd doctor I just suffer from a deficiency in blood circulation and have a low blood pressure that might also explain the shaking. No brain tumour, no epilepsy.

Second health thing is more of a psychological one. I've been terribly stressed because of university for over a month now and suffer thus from sleepless nights and occasional panic attacks. I had a lovely time at home at new years but now the stress has doubled as the exams are closing in. I feel like I can't keep up and make no progress. It takes all my power to try and remind myself that it's not so bad. That the world won't come down even if I can't make it.

I just cannot give up. It's this typical Finnish stubborness and morbid persistence that keeps pushing me to try and be perfect. I won't stop trying until it kills me. I wish I knew when to stop or had someone to take the wheel at times. To tell me when it's time to surrender. I kind of wish that somebody would put me to a hospital due to any reason at all as long as it included  peace of mind.

I think I'm close to the low point where I was 2 years ago.
It's that bad I admit.